The Parents Daily is your source for advice and information for rasing your kids.
Author: Melody Brooke Article source: http://www.articlealley.com/. Used with author's permission.
When I was a little girl I had a friend named Vicki Pedigoe. She was so sweet to me. She had long, straight black hair and big black eyes, with a light olive complexion. We were in the third grade and I had no other friends. She didn't either. We played together during every recess (back in the day when we actually had three free recess periods) and after school as long as we could. She had one doll. I had a whole slew of dolls. Her doll, she claimed, was the best because it was a rubber doll and it was soft and she could hold it and cuddle it. I knew she was trying to make herself feel better about it. One day she asked if she could keep the dolls in my doll carrier over night to play with them. I didn't hesitate. Of course she could keep them. The next day she wasn't at school. I went to her house. She was gone. Her whole family was gone. I was to never see her again. I cried and cried, not so much for the dolls, but for her. She was my only friend. I didn't care that she kept the dolls, or even that she deliberately manipulated me to give them to her. I felt she should have them.
Now, this story is sweet on the surface. The problem comes in when you realize that I didn't care that she took them because of my own shame. I felt she deserved them more than I did. That's what is underneath the "giving" nature of a Rescuer.
Often kids do have big hearts. We certainly don't want to curtail that trait! But we also must help them learn the difference between being nice and being a Rescuer. To accomplish that we have to understand that when a child has a healthy sense of themselves and a good solid self esteem, they won't be willing to give more than is good for them. Secondly, we have to understand that doing things for someone when they can or should do it for themselves is not good for them. It is disrespectful and keeps them locked into the role of a helpless victim. It can destroy their sense of worth and competence.
Are we Rescuers? We need to pay attention to our own tendency to care take others because children will do what we do, not what we say, no matter how many times we admonish them to do otherwise.
To help our kids not become Rescuers we have to do three things: 1) curtail our own Rescuing behaviors 2) make sure that our kids self esteem is in tact 3) teach them how it feels to have someone do something for us that we can and should do for ourselves (the definition of Rescuing).
Many of the things we do for our kids do not produce the result that we want. We want our kids to be proud of themselves and have a healthy self respect. But when we constantly rescue them by running up to school to deliver forgotten homework, or even do their homework for them, we are teaching them that they cannot do it for themselves. When we buy every little thing they want they will not learn the sense of competence, personal power, and self esteem that comes from achieving something for themselves. This is how we model Rescuing behavior to our children.
It's not always obvious when a child's self esteem is lagging. Often they try very hard to look better than they feel (ever do that yourself?). So we have to look for clues. When she is trying a new task, does she get frustrated right away, blaming others or saying something disparaging about herself, like "I'm stupid". When he is asked a question and doesn't know the answer, does he try to bluff, insisting his answer is correct, or guess and then become discouraged that he doesn't know it? When playing with a friend does she give in immediately to what the other child wants? If you answered yes to any of these you may need to help your child with their self-esteem. Often the outside perspective of a professional counselor can help you nurture your children's self esteem.
Building self-esteem starts with not rescuing them. When we encourage them to accomplish goals for themselves they feel good about themselves. Teach your kids that doing things for themselves makes them feel proud and capable. That means when they do something new or achieve something they have worked for, help them recognize how good it feels. Then, when a friend wants them to do something for them that they can and should do for themselves, you can remind them of how they felt when they did things for themselves. Then your child can make a choice about how to respond based on their own experience of how it feels to accomplish something themselves.
The three components of teaching a child not to Rescue require our attention to ourselves, and our children's behaviors. How we treat others, our children, and ourselves dramatically influences how they view themselves and react to their world. So pay attention.
Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT is an author, speaker, workshop presenter and counselor. Melody holds an MA in Counseling and Guidance from Texas Woman's University. She is also a Certified Radix Practitioner, Right Use of Power Teacher and InterPlay Teacher. Melody's 19 years work with individuals, couples and families provides her with a unique approach to solving clients' problems. Her life-altering book, "Cycles of the Heart: A way out of the egocentrism of everyday life", is based on her experience helping people resolve their relationship difficulties with themselves and others. To find out more about InterPlay and "Cycles of the Heart" go to Melody's Homepage
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